How I Disappear
by manga magirekomu
Summary: Edward is given an interesting choice by the gate. AU, undecided pairing, written in such a way that wherever I end it, it will be the end.
1. kiss me goodbye

Edward Elric stared up at the gate, without really caring, without really seeing

_Edward Elric stared up at the gate, without really caring, without really seeing._

Al.

_He didn't know what had happened, or how al had gotten him this far, but al wasn't here._

Al.

_The creature of the gate was suddenly there, no puff of smoke or loud bang, it was just like he had been off screen for a moment, but he was still there, waiting for his queue._

Al.

"_I know what you want; Edward dear, but you can't have it. You know you can't have it." The thing let out a sound that might have been a laugh, might have just been a breath. "You don't have enough left to pay."_

Al.

_Edward nodded. He suspected that it was impossible, that he was just too spent to offer anything more, and he suspected as well that if he wasn't here, in this limbo between death and life, he'd have been ripped to shreds by now, body and soul._

Al.

"_So why am I here, if I cannot pay, and there is nothing I can do, and there is nowhere for me?" the thing smiled. "I have a job for you, Edward Elric."_

Al.

"_Me?" Edward tried to muster up the will to sound skeptic, but it ended up just sounding vaguely tired._

"_Yes, you. I'm afraid the position is only available to you, and I can give it to no one else. Only you are enough human and enough Gate together."_

_Again, Edward looked apathetically at him, like 'why should I care?'_

"…_not to mention you're the only one bitchy and stubborn enough to pull it off."_

Al.

_Edward looked at him, calmly, though there was a small, infinitesimal spark in his eyes. A goal. An aim. Something to work for. But all the same… "What's in it for me?"_

Al.

"_I give you what you want, the life of your brother, and in return, you will be a gate guardian, to keep…mishaps… like yours from happening again."_

"_How long?"_

"_Eternity."_

Al.

"_And my al will be alive?"_

"_Yes. And you will be able to protect many others, from other worlds, from other times-"_

"_I don't care about any of that!" Ed looked like he had gained a lot of strength in those moments, less like a shell, and more like an Elric._

Al.

_The gate smiled. "So you agree?"_

Al.

_Edward didn't even hesitate, didn't need to think it through._

Al.

"_I will take whatever you offer me, and I will pay any price I need to."_

Al.

I'm so sorry.

_Gatekeeper/Edo/Gatekeeper/Edo/Gatekeeper/Edo/Gatekeeper/Edo/Gatekeeper/Edo_

This is my first (and maybe last) installment in a series I'm doing.

It doesn't have a happy ending.

It doesn't have true love concurring all.

It doesn't have an infallible Edward.

But it does have Edward, as I see him, with his soul getting torn apart for all eternity.

See you next time.


	2. did you get what you deserved?

_Edward wasn't entirely sure how long he had been working for the gate, anymore. He was forbidden to make contact with any world that hadn't specifically opened a gate, so all he could do was watch._

_Tick tock, tick tock. He twitched slightly, listening to the only sound in the hall; the clocks. They were designed to keep track of all the times on all the worlds, but they didn't always work, skipping ahead, falling back, and occasionally stopping altogether. It drove Edward absolutely insane, as he was forced to stay there until a gate opening happened, and at first there was nothing in that hall but the clocks, constantly ticking. Until Ed tried transmutation._

_It was quite the experience, actually, not having to pay anything for anything else, though he had the sinking suspicion that it was just being added to his tab, so he just transmuted a desk, a chair for the desk, some papers to write notes on, and a semi-nice bed, despite him never using it._

_Why would he sleep when he honestly didn't have to? Sleep carried nightmares of spirits begging for release somewhere, of pain to people he cared for, and visions of the other worlds, beside his own. The last was the main reason he couldn't sleep, as he dealt with those spirits during the day as well, and he'd had such fears for loved one sense long before he interacted with the gate, just at a lower degree. No, the worst bit was seeing the other worlds, because he could never concentrate on the whole of those worlds, just specific bits._

_A specific bit._

_A younger Elric like specific bit._

_And that did nothing for the meager amount of sanity that Edward had managed to keep. So he just sat at his desk, writing his notes, filling the hall with stacks of paper, and walking around, thinking of ways to destroy the clocks without getting it added to his tab._

_Or added to his tab, as once there had been a quite clearly been a flamethrower in his minds eye._

_It was in the midst of clock demise planning that he first felt it; a slamming in his brain, like someone was trying to crush it from the in side, and after his initial yelp of surprise, he bit his lip and tried to think of anything but that pain, and realized that it was words, in his head._

"…_mission requires two to three weeks in human world 0128469334961553208.234, guarding individual important to a potential risk person of class 2 out of 13. You are to leave immediately."_

"_wait, what-" he didn't have time to ask any further, because the face of the clock that he had just been contemplating the boiled in oil and then hit with a sledgehammer treatment started growing wider and wider until it was a gaping hole that started sucking Ed in, and it took all the strength he possessed not to grab onto his desk, and let it take him into the vortex, taking apart the molecules of both his body and soul, to be put back together at the end._

_Damn, this job sucked worse than working for that bastard colonel!_

Gatekeeper/Edo/Gatekeeper/Edo/Gatekeeper/Edo/Gatekeeper/Edo

In front of a car repair shed, a twenty-something looking man in a blue mechanics uniform squinted at the sky. "Looks like rain." Another man, slightly older than the other and drinking a cold drink that was probably against regulations, snorted. "Russell, you always say that." The younger, Russell, gave a small smile, pushing his blond hair out of his eyes and getting grease in it, but he didn't notice. "Just because it hasn't rained for over a month doesn't mean it can't now. Hell, it's overdue."

The older snorted again, which seemed to be his answer for everything, then looked up at the clock. "Oi, oughtn't you be leaven' soon? Doesn't that cute li'l brother of yours have a birthday?" Russell grinned at him. Yeah, he does. Fletcher. And I'm planning on leaving as soon as john tells me I can."

"Oh, shit! Sorry Russ, he told me to tell you fifteen minute ago, it plum slipped my mind, what with that pretty little convertible in the shop…" Russ sighed, rubbed the bridge of his nose, quickly checked the time, and let out a small curse himself. "See you tomorrow, bill."

"Yeah, wish fisher a happy birthday for me, wont you?" called bill, watching as Russell flew to were his bike was parked and started off.

"Fletcher! His name is Fletcher!" bill just laughed.

Russell pumped his legs and leaned forward on the bike, trying to get some speed while he could on the downward slope from the shop to Main Street, and then he twisted off into an alley way, following it for a little while, turning a few times, and then he got out, and headed for the ramp covering the river. He took this route everyday, and there was no doubt in his mind that he would make it. He just put on the necessary speed, jumped, and prepared for touchdown. He did not think to prepare to randomly run into someone half way across the river, in midair, and proceed to crash into them and fall into the river, getting horribly wet and possibly mangled into his bike. He was annoyed, to say the least. "What do you think your doing, pipsqueak?! You nearly wrecked-"

"WHO YOU CALLING SO SMALL ANTS LOOK DOWN AT HIM, HUH?!"

"You!! I'm calling you that!!"

"You stupid- stupid TALL PERSON!! I'm not short, you're FREAKISHLY TALL!!"

"WELL AT LEAST I CAN GET A DATE THAT WAY!!"

"ARE YOU SAYING I CAN'T GET A DATE?!"

"YE- wait a second here, why the hell am I fighting with you?"

"YOU STARTED IT!!" Russell scowled, looking over at the oddly dressed teen that was fuming just a few feet away. "No I didn't, you were in my way and made me crash my bike into the river. It's probably going to get rusty now."

"You copied me!!" said the other, still mad. Clearly insane, as well. "What? I've never met you before." There was a moment of silence before the other finally seemed to take his appearance in, from his uniform to the grease in his hair to the calluses on his hands, and Russell took his time inspecting the other; he looked like a thirteen year old, going to a costume party, long blond hair pulled back in a ponytail, wearing a big red trench coat with symbols on the shoulder and very black pants and tang top, and some serious, military boots. And then he saw the arm.

"Oh, I-I'm so, so sorry, It was my fault, I ran into you." The blond looked puzzled for a moment, like he hadn't expected Russell to concede, but then he saw where Russell was looking, and scowled. "Hey, kid. Don't do me any favors; I can kick your sorry ass with or without this." And then Russell looked in the kids eyes. And he really, truly believed him; no powerless person could have that much of a fire in their eyes, and Russell couldn't help feel he should respect this kid.

He wouldn't, of course, but he felt like he should.

He extended his hand and said lazily "Russell Willham, mechanic, fifteen."

The other grinned, and shook his hand. "Edward Elric, gatekeeper, eighteen." Russell raised an eyebrow. "What is that, like a power ranger? Or do you work for Barney, oh eleven year old."

"I have no idea who Barney or the power rangers are, but KEEP YOUR TONGUE IN YOUR HEAD BEFORE I RIP IT OUT, THREE YEAR OLD!!" Russell smiled. This kid was kind of funny. "Hey, if you can keep up, I'm going to my little brother's birthday. Do you want to come?" he made it clear that this was race; the other grinned. "Bring it on, Other Brother." Which made no sense, but he didn't stop to think about it. He got on his bike as quickly as he could and peddled with all his might, taking every shortcut and every alleyway he knew, and managed to get there in record time. Russell smiled, opening the door at a leisurely pace and calling "I'm home!", confidant in his speed and the fact that the chibi-kid had no chance catching up.

"Hey, what took you so damn long?"

…or not.

Russell could only stare down at that crazy blond kid, sitting on the floor next to his brother with a red and orange party hat attached to his head, grinning savagely up at him while Fletcher yelled "Big brother!" And tackle hugged him, nearly knocking Russell over. This caused Russell's attention to go back to Fletcher, smiling and wishing him happy birthday, but his mind was still on that kid, Elric. There was no way he could have made it here that quickly, especially with that arm of his. There was just no way.

"Big brother?" Fletcher's eyes had gotten to the size of a dinner plate, all watery and pleading, and Russell winced. If this was what he did pre-question, how unpleasant was the damn question?

"Yeah, Fletcher?"

"Well, Edo-kun says that he just came into town, and he needs a place to stay." Russell began scowling, so Fletcher added quickly "w-we have that extra room, and it's not like he's going to be here forever, and he says he can cook-"

"How long?"

"What?"

How long would he be here?"

"…Two to three weeks." Russell turned to glare at Edward. Figures, someone that nuts wouldn't even bother with dates, would they? The lazy fire was still in his eyes, and Russell couldn't help looking away; and then he made the mistake of looking at his arm. That cool metal mechanics that reminded Russell so very much of the parts he dealt with every day in the shop. What kind of person would put that on a kid?

"…fine. But after three weeks, you're getting kicked out. And you better be damn good at cooking."

Gatekeeper/Edo/Gatekeeper/Edo/Gatekeeper/Edo/Gatekeeper/Edo

Edward Elric sucked at cooking.

And, more than that, he was the most annoying creature on the planet.

Tap. Tap. Tap.

Tap-tap-tap. Tap-tap. Tap. Tap.

Russell twitched.

Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap-tap TAP-tap tap. Tap.

"Will you stop that?" he said, turning to glare at the blonde haired boy, who just grinned at him and kept going. Knowing that he wouldn't stop anyway, Russell attempted to turn back to his work, a lawn mower he was working on in the yard which had run over what looked like three to four boulders, Fletchers attempt at housework, but Russell grew steadily more frustrated anyway. Why did this crazy person have to come live with them? He had made himself quite at home, wearing what Fletcher dubbed a spare change of clothes (Russell's clothes, despite being two sizes too big for him, and being one of the few good sets of clothing he had), and was eating something out of the refrigerator, most likely something Russell had specifically marked 'Not Edwards', just to piss Russell off.

Tap-TAP-tap-tap. Tap-tap. Tap-tap-tap.

Russell was just about to ask Edward-who-never-listens-to-anyone to stop it, when he stopped all on his own, and asked, casually, "Hey, Russell, do you fear death?" Russell stared at him blankly. Where had that come from?

"Why?"

"I don't know. I just can't tell if you're the type to fear it openly or pretend you're not afraid even though you know you can't get out of it." The look in Edwards eyes suggested that he very much suspected Russell was one of the second. Well, he was in for a surprise.

"I fear it very much."

"Oh? And why is that." Russell frowned. Edward had used the voce he usually reserved for insults, like he was expecting Russell to come back with something cutting. Why would he do that? Why would he have reason to, other than the fact that Edward was annoying?

"I'm scared of it because if I die, Fletcher will be all alone."

There was silence for a while, broken only by the chinking of parts to a lawn mower being pushed against each other, and every once in a while Russell thought he heard the clink of metal from someplace else, closer to Edward, but when he stopped to listen he couldn't hear it anymore, and he dared not look behind him, not wanting to be teased for such a sentimental view.

A boy passed by, a brown- blonde, clutching his books and twittering about lateness, his gray eyes laced with worry. Edward's eyes followed the boy, his mouth set in something somewhat like a frown, but more like sadness. As if he had lost something. And Russell thought, for one brief second, that the two looked sort of alike.

Like brothers, almost.

When the boy had gone around the corner and out of sight, Edward sighed, closing his eyes for a moment, before getting up from his spot on the porch stairs and saying "well, I think I've overstayed my welcome."

Russell didn't even have time to enjoy the thought of Edward leaving, albeit abruptly, before the other added "oh, and Russell?"

"Yes, Edward?" if he was leaving, there was no issue in answering him. Edward smiled lightly.

"As long as you keep that in mind, I think you'll be okay when the time comes."

And then the odd boy was gone.

_Gatekeeper/Edo/Gatekeeper/Edo/Gatekeeper/Edo/Gatekeeper/Edo_

_Edward made a popping sound when he appeared inside the gate. He sighed, shifting his head and wincing when he heard it crack. Was this what he had signed up for? An eternity of being sick with himself? Edward shook his head. There was no point in thinking of such things. He had something he wanted from the gate, after all. He was annoyed when the gate spirit appeared soundlessly and interrupted his musings; cocking what the golden eyed boy was fairly certain was its head to the side._

"_Is it done?"_

_Edward nodded. "In ten years, when he and his brother die in a car accident, he'll happily stay dead, even if his future girlfriend does try to bring him back."_

_The gate spirit gave off the impression of a smile. "And what of brother dearest?"_

_Edwards face darkened. "That is none of your business."_

"_Of course it is. He will die eventually, everyone he loves will die eventually, and there is nothing he can do to stop it. And when he dies, I will be waiting." It laughed cruelly._

"_And so will you._

"_Every._

"_Single._

"_Time."_

Gatekeeper/Edo/Gatekeeper/Edo/Gatekeeper/Edo/Gatekeeper/Edo

So. Second chapter.

For those of you who read the original version of this chapter, this is the one I was going to do, but was too lazy to actually finish. It's got a bit more background on Russell, a bit more Edward-based self-loathing, and a little clearer Alphonse cameo. Oh, and the opportunity to say bastard colonel, which is fun.

And that extra stuff equaled 4 more pages! Coolness! I think, looking at my writing, if you ever get a quick update from me (ha ha, that's so funny) then you'll have to expect me to go back and tweak it later, and I'll try to put warnings when I tweak, so you can go back and read it.

So, all, thank you for reading, and please give me your opinions via telepathy (or the cute little review button in the lower left hand corner, whichever is easier).

See you next time!


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